Finding Myself in Orbit

proxy-sexual?

Mon, 21 Aug 2023 18:44:44 GMT

I know not everything needs a word, but is there one for "on the ace spectrum unless experiencing sexuality through a proxy?"

I've been floating in this ace-ish space for a bit, feeling maybe demi, maybe grey-ace, but wanting to explore kink and casual sex once in a blue moon. That's where I've been vibing for about the last few years.

Last Tuesday, I tagged along with some friends who are superfans of the band Ghost to one of their concerts and got indoctrinated into the fandom. I've been riding that new fandom feeling, like the first downward rush of a rollercoaster, for the last week, and that much is familiar. What's new is the fact that I'm just. Thinkin about sex. A lot more in the last week than I have for a long time. Not just in the "thinking about knocking fandom Barbies together" sense, either.

I could have put it down to the mood that Ghost itself exudes. A lot of their lyrics and presentation are darkly sexual. But then I remembered the last time I felt this in tune with an open, enthusiastic form of sexuality - when I fell deep into Good Omens fandom in 2019. Good Omens can (and should) be called romantic, but it isn't sexual. The fandom is sexual because people like knocking Barbies together. But not the source material. And yet there I was, flirting with someone I RPed with and who eventually became a long-distance lover.

When I have some kind of proxy to channel sexuality through, my flirtation levels and thoughts of sex go way up. At least that seems to be the way it is.

comments

I literally forgot this journal existed.

Mon, 26 Sep 2022 20:40:39 GMT

I was talking with a best friend about wanting to go to play parties, and he reminded me that Fetlife exists for staying in touch with the local kinky community. In logging on to Fetlife for the first time in 11 years (!), I discovered this journal again. Good thing past me forwarded my old email to my new one because I couldn't have reset the password otherwise.

This isn't the first thing I discovered after throwing it in a memory hole during my early marriage and early medical transition. I got caught up in a honeymoon phase, then found myself grappling with second puberty. For all that coming out and transitioning felt like moving closer to myself, in many ways, it also felt like putting myself on pause. There's a deconstruction that happened when I started really digging into myself, but on the way, there are a few things I forgot. I put down so much that I am still finding pieces I didn't realize I'd dropped.

Now I'm coming back to them, rediscovering what fits, rediscovering what I want outside of myself. Remembering who I am beyond and inclusive of gender. A lot of what I felt was sexual attraction in the past was really gender envy. My capacity for sexual attraction is not null, but it is more limited than I used to think. I am highly romantic and have a deep appreciation of the different forms love can take.

My Fetlife profile still says I'm engaged. I married the man I was engaged to and we're about to celebrate our tenth wedding anniversary. We don't have sex anymore since I started my medical transition, but there is still deep love between us. It's the love of best friendship and life partnership. It is a beautiful thing. But I do miss sexual intimacy, sometimes terribly so.

It's definitely on me for withdrawing from certain social circles while I was transitioning, but there are reasons beyond gender that I felt socially anxious, basically unable to socialize. Mental health reasons, mainly - I've also gotten a diagnosis for inattentive ADHD in the past year, and the knowledge of that has taken me a long way in getting me out in the world again.

So here I am, dusting off this online diary, hoping to update my profile and get some new photos up and to start talking to people again.

comments

^_^

Fri, 18 Mar 2011 01:08:48 GMT

ME: If I do ever go on testosterone and fully transition, I will come off as the most flaming queer dude ever.
HIM: Yup.
ME: Just so you're aware.
HIM: It had occurred to me.
ME: And you'd still want to be married to me.
HIM: Yup.

AWESOME.

comments

Callouses

Sun, 27 Feb 2011 22:41:57 GMT

I play the guitar. As any aspiring Slash or Dylan can tell you, it's a painful thing to learn. The first time you set the tips of your fingers on those metal wires, you fear that the thin little garrote of an E string is going to slice your skin apart. Practicing makes your hand hurt all the way down to the wrist and all the way through to the bone.

Of course, if you keep at it often enough for long enough, the muscles in your hand strengthen. The tips of your fingers develop white hard callouses to protect you from any potential dangers of the strings. You toughen up.

Changing one's name, especially for particularly personal reasons, can be a lot like learning to play the guitar. For that matter, almost everything about being trans or genderqueer is similar.

The first time you put yourself up to the thin wire of people's assumed expectations about you, it's probably going to hurt a lot. You might even shy away from showing your true self for as long as you can - after all, it's easier to go along with what people already think of you. No chance of getting cut there. No pain.

But, truth is, the more you force yourself to go back to that uncomfortable place, the tougher you'll get and the easier it will be. The more you force yourself to say, "No, actually this is my name" or "I prefer these pronouns," the more you'll find the ability to do it. You'll be stronger. You'll develop callouses.

The term "callous" has a bad reputation. It tends to conjure up the image of a hard-hearted person, someone who's jaded or uncaring or has worked too hard. But callouses aren't always a bad thing. Sometimes they allow us to make beautiful music.

comments

Once again, Genderform

Fri, 25 Feb 2011 17:44:12 GMT

Hello

My name is

Ronen

I am

androgyne, androgynous, beautiful, bottom, cousin, curious, daughter, drag prince, dreamer, faerie, femme-ish, femmy butch, fox, geek, gender bender, gender blender, gender clown, gender expressive, gender fluid, genderqueer, glittery, guy, hedgehog, indecisive, introvert, kitty, LGBTQIA, otherkin, out-ish, pan-romantic, pansexual, pirate, polysnuggler, puppy, queer, queer femme, quirky, romantic, self-defined, sex positive, shapeshifter, sister, switch, tattooed, time lord, trans, transperson, treehugger

Who are you?

I want to be somebody's brother.

comments

Gender Identity and Expression Challenge 2011 - CHALLENGE POST

Thu, 24 Feb 2011 15:13:17 GMT

The Challenge: read five books in any five categories that deal positively with gender identity and expression. Because hey, why not?

Actually, I can come up with a few more good reasons other than "why not." Books that focus positively on trans, alternative gender, bisexual or even gay characters and/or subjects are not widely publicized. If we're interested in the subject matter, if it's important to us, it's up to us to seek out those books and promote them ourselves. Because they ARE out there. The list of books that deal positively with alternative gender is already way longer than I anticipated.

Plus, it'll be real easy for me to read five books in nine months. I may not be the world's most avid reader, but I can at least get that done.

If you're interested in finding out more about this challenge or participating yourself, click on the picture above or this link right here.

comments

Boobies!

Sat, 19 Feb 2011 17:37:41 GMT

I'm wearing a bra for what is probably the first time this year and it's weirding me out. I look like someone stuffed a couple of water balloons down my sweater.

On a similar note, I'm really, really wondering how wearing a binder should be seen as any stranger than wearing a bra.

comments

Genderthoughts of the morning

Sat, 29 Jan 2011 15:02:13 GMT

Currently, my wardrobe is a mish-mosh of "men's" and "women's" styles. I've become adept at both right- and left-side buttons, and sometimes, just sometimes, when my conscious brain has stopped paying attention to gender norms, I forget which orientation is "supposed" to be mine.

comments

Transastrological

Sat, 15 Jan 2011 04:16:51 GMT

So there's a lot of talk about astrology lately, what with the rest of the world catching up with the whole constellations-shifting thing... anyway, without opening that can of worms, it got me thinking about my own astrology. I'm a Taurus sun and a Sagittarius moon. Even before I knew moon signs existed, I'd often wished I'd been born a fire sign, and more specifically a Sagittarius.

I'd never really delved into what a moon sign is supposed to mean, so I did a little search. From here:

"The Moon represents the emotional self, the inner self, your instincts, habits, automatic reactions and your sense of personal heritage and history. Most people feel their Moon Sign energy very strongly -- some even to the point of identifying with their Moon Sign (once they know what it is) more than with their Sun Sign."

Screw that, I identified with it before I knew.

"This is a very valid feeling, in fact, for the Moon represents who a person is on the inside ... and this is where most people feel they are most strongly their real selves."

"Sagittarius is a fire sign. Fire signs are considered masculine, positive, assertive, active, outgoing, and motivating. They do things, stir things up, take action, go after what they want, make things happen."

"Sagittarius is also a Mutable Sign. The Mutable Signs are Gemini, Virgo, Sagittarius, and Pisces These personalities all deal directly with the application of ideas and information. These people are known for being flexible, easygoing, adaptable, and willing to "adjust" as their way of working with the world."

A greater explanation of Sagittarius can be found here.

...Yeah, you know what? It's official. I'm a Sag. I'll probably start taking my "spiritual birthday" - December 4th - more seriously.

comments

Another quote from someone else...

Fri, 14 Jan 2011 13:59:50 GMT

...but it puts things brilliantly.

"I have been seriously trans-questioning for the past several months, and studying queer theory has given me a tremendous sense of debt to drag, and drag queens in particular, for opening up a new way to deconstruct gender. I would never, never, have gotten the chance to splash around in the genderqueer pool if it wasn't for that movement they began. (I swear to God, if I take the plunge and go on T, I will immediately break out the feather boas and frocks. It will be so fucking rewarding to have that be a transgressive act, instead of just some chick in a dress.)"

comments

10-Minute Gender Outlaw Exercise, Day 22

Mon, 13 Dec 2010 04:29:28 GMT

What is a woman?
Am I a woman?
If I were, what would make me one?
What is it about me that makes people look and think "woman"?
Is it only physical attributes?
Should I feel compelled to change my physical form if my only real problem with it is other people's perception?
Should I worry about what people think at all?
Does it matter because people have preconceived notions of "woman" that go far beyond physical cues?
What exactly are these notions?
Is there any way to know what they are when I can't see into those people's heads?
If there's no way to know what they're thinking, then why should I give a damn what they're thinking?
What do I think of myself as?

comments

Getting serious about silliness.

Tue, 07 Dec 2010 00:28:26 GMT

Why Ronen is a Time Lord
by Ronen

I recently got back in touch with my spiritual side, something I'd been neglecting for several months. As part of this I did a tarot reading, just to get an idea of where everything was at. The reading told me several things, but one of the larger lessons I took away was the one presented by the card Temperance: forces needed to be united, barriers dissolved. In order to soar above a coming upheaval, to stay positive and learn as opposed to succumbing to despair, I needed to bring together all the various bits and bobs of my life and make them harmonious.

There's three major labels that I believe describe me accurately: I am a pagan, a queer, and a geek. Since that reading, I've been playing mixologist with my varied identities. I've sprinkled a dash of spirituality in with my gender musings, thrown gender studies in with pop culture, mixed pop culture with magic...

...and I've muddled my geekiness in with my gender.

( Read more... )

comments

More silliness. From this evening. Gender needs more silliness.

Thu, 02 Dec 2010 04:52:57 GMT

H: *sees my hat* What is that?
ME: This is my festive hat!
H: ...I think you're actually becoming a Harry Potter character.
ME: Actually, that's my transition.

The above exchange prompted this post on Facebook.

Teehee.

comments

Blending 'Pop Culture Magic' Archetypes and Gender Studies, Oh and Also I'm Sleep-Deprived

Sat, 20 Nov 2010 05:17:57 GMT

What is a Time Lord?

comments

Er.

Tue, 02 Nov 2010 04:05:13 GMT

So yeah, I feel a little ashamed about that escapism post. Good bit of internalized transphobia poking out there. Running from my feelings because it's safer to be one thing rather than the other.

Of course I know the media didn't "turn me" trans. But perhaps it gave me ideas about gender that I took too much as truth. It showed me, time and time again, traits I desired in myself and told me, "These belong to a man." At the same time, I had real people in my real life telling me I had to be a certain way because I was female - not in a malicious manner, mind you, which probably made it tougher to fight against.

I don't know the answer, but that doesn't mean I have to be in such a hurry to find it.

I made a list of the traits I desire to exhibit. I know they have nothing to do with being either a man or a woman, and I'd still prefer to be known as something in between.

But until I find the right word, the best I can do is do my best to be that person, and see what comes of it.

-R

comments

10-Minute Gender Outlaw Exercise, Day 21 and really short

Sat, 23 Oct 2010 05:47:57 GMT

What is a woman? What is a man?
Are these meaningless words?

comments

Escapism, the Media, and Gender

Fri, 22 Oct 2010 04:29:58 GMT

I am an escapist.

I don't know whether it was by nurture or nature, but I've been one ever since I can remember. I let myself vanish into fantastic worlds through books, television, films, theatre and video games. I allow myself to believe they are, in a way, real. I find myself through the characters and relationships I see portrayed.

That last bit is the most important here. The number of real live people I have ever counted as role models probably add up to less than ten. Whereas the amount of fictional characters I have turned to, and still turn to, for inspiration, life lessons and admirable, attractive personality traits... I couldn't even tell you how many.

( Read more... )

(Times like these I want to just throw up my hands and declare genderfluidity - if I thought anyone would actually allow me to do that. As though I need permission... Oy. That's a whole 'nother blog.)

comments

My gender = Cat

Sat, 16 Oct 2010 00:17:23 GMT

The Naming of Cats is a difficult matter,
It isn't just one of your holiday games;
You may think at first I'm as mad as a hatter
When I tell you, a cat must have THREE DIFFERENT NAMES.
First of all, there's the name that the family use daily,
Such as Peter, Augustus, Alonzo or James,
Such as Victor or Jonathan, George or Bill Bailey--
All of them sensible everyday names.
There are fancier names if you think they sound sweeter,
Some for the gentlemen, some for the dames:
Such as Plato, Admetus, Electra, Demeter--
But all of them sensible everyday names.
But I tell you, a cat needs a name that's particular,
A name that's peculiar, and more dignified,
Else how can he keep up his tail perpendicular,
Or spread out his whiskers, or cherish his pride?
Of names of this kind, I can give you a quorum,
Such as Munkustrap, Quaxo, or Coricopat,
Such as Bombalurina, or else Jellylorum-
Names that never belong to more than one cat.
But above and beyond there's still one name left over,
And that is the name that you never will guess;
The name that no human research can discover--
But THE CAT HIMSELF KNOWS, and will never confess.
When you notice a cat in profound meditation,
The reason, I tell you, is always the same:
His mind is engaged in a rapt contemplation
Of the thought, of the thought, of the thought of his name:
His ineffable effable
Effanineffable
Deep and inscrutable singular Name.

~T.S. Eliot

comments

What I want people to say about me:

Sat, 02 Oct 2010 20:23:45 GMT

"He's going to make such a beautiful bride."

comments

So Much Fail: A Rant

Tue, 28 Sep 2010 00:30:15 GMT

The toy store job has been chafing at me for some time for more than one reason, but somewhere in the Top 5 is the extraordinary amount of Gender Fail I encounter there.

"My daughter loves all the boy stuff! It's so great that now she can have the Legos in pink! Maybe it just makes me feel better... Ha-Ha!!"

Gee, yathink?

I've noticed the Fail almost always comes accompanied by that little hysterical laugh, the laugh that says "I know what I'm saying is messed up, but haha!, I just can't help myself!" Or maybe it's saying "I pay lip service to gender neutrality, but I'm too lazy or intimidated to really make an effort! Haha!" Or maybe it's just "God, God, please let my kid/grandchild/nephew/whatever be normal." Whatever it is, I'm getting fucking sick of it.

*deeeeeeeeep breath*

Okay.

Admittedly, this is somewhat rare... and Gender Win does happen. Last week an ambiguous-looking child came in and started gushing over the sparkly dresses, and eventually it came up from the child's parents that he owned more than one dress. Even beyond that, any time a parent buys what the child truly wants regardless of their own prejudices (which includes tomboyish mothers getting pinkprincess stuff for their daughters), that's a Gender Win. I should try to focus on that.

comments

An old journal entry

Wed, 22 Sep 2010 04:36:02 GMT

During a recent trip home, I found an old journal in my bedroom. Inside that journal was a letter I'd written to myself, "five years later." It was titled, "To Be Re-Read on 7/6/10."

A little late, but still. Wow.

A lot of it was rambly whatsit. I know I wrote it while attending a theatre summer camp that subscribed to a lot of "theatre-as-therapy" hocus pocus, so we'd probably just finished doing some kind of meditation exercise. But then I turned to the second page, and read the first line:

"Or perhaps I must be honest. I don't feel like a woman, and that's okay."

Five years ago. A fifth of my life. The more I live with this and the more I look back, the more I realize it was always there in the corners of my mind.

comments

Identity and Environment

Sat, 18 Sep 2010 03:11:18 GMT

Might as well put something of substance on here. I've had a lot of little thought-fragments floating around in my head lately, but they're starting to coalesce.

I recently returned from Burning Man, as probably everyone reading this already knows. I was there for a week, and as time went on I came to an interesting realization: on the playa, I had no problem being identified as a woman. I had a slight moment of reticence while visiting a "women-only" space for the first time, but it didn't take long for me to feel comfortable there - especially since there was some inclusion offered to FtM- or gender-variant-identified people, so long as they felt alright being there.

By the end of the week, I felt comfortable as a woman: or rather, I felt comfortable with other people looking at me and thinking "woman." It was a rare and unusual feeling for me, and it's taken me some time to work out why it came about.

( Read more... )

comments

It's time again...

Sat, 18 Sep 2010 02:08:46 GMT

Only four months later. I think the self-discoveries and self-evolutions are happening quicker now.

Hello

My name is

Ronen

I am

androgyne, androgynous, boy, boy in a skirt, boy with a vagina, cousin, creature, curious, Democrat, daughter, drag prince, FT?, faerie, female-assigned, femme, fey, fox, friend, geek, geek in the pink, genderclown, genderqueer, introvert, kinky, LGBTQIA, liberal, Mx., male-souled, naughty boy, out-ish, pan-romantic, pansexual, pirate, sister, tattooed, transfolk, transperson

Who are you?

A short list this time.

I love love lovelovelove(x20) the term "drag prince." Tonight that embodies everything I want to be.

comments

Attitude

Wed, 15 Sep 2010 04:20:35 GMT

Erik, the photographer, and I, will sometimes just go out and have random photo shoots. The reason I love this photo is that when it was taken, I was totally relaxed and just playing around. I wasn't thinking about coming off as anything but myself.

comments

Thought of the moment

Sat, 14 Aug 2010 05:15:41 GMT

More often than not in my life, I've been less complimented when someone's called me a "pretty girl" or "a beautiful young woman." ("Beautiful" all by itself, that's another story.) Although I did understand that it came from a good place.

But when someone comments on me appearing androgynous, gender-blendy or boyish - that's when I beam.

comments